that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
