Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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