How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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