If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
