wat bout pragnant strippers??
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize