It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
