I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
