Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
