I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
