I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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