Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
