Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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