I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
