U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
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They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
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Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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