We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
