don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
