She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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