My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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