i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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