My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
