you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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