tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
