at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
