Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
