i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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