i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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