All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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