i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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