The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
