oh god the rape fog is back!
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
