So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
