I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
