The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
