All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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