she smelled like a LAN party
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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