just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
