I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
