I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
