Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
