I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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