There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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