genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
