I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
