the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY