I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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