i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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