so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
