he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
we should paint friendship bongs
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
