at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
