Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
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He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
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You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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