i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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