today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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