you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
