During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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