He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
