that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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