you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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