Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
